If you grew up experiencing trauma as a child or adolescent, you may feel you live a life of vagueness:

• You may not remember much from your childhood.
• You may have persistent negative beliefs about yourself that you know aren’t true but can’t change.
• Your painful feelings and negative self-talk may have taken up all the space in your head, so you have trouble feeling your body and focusing on your children, your job, your friends, your life.
• You want to get over it and move on but you don’t know how.

Unresolved childhood trauma leaves the adult you stuck in the same patterns you used to protect yourself when you were young.

Because you were young when you developed them, they are not effective in adulthood. Now they get in your way.

Most of our coping strategies are laid down during childhood.

Here are some of the ways my clients learned to protect themselves when they were young:

• Pre-verbal trauma — trauma that happened before you could talk or have memories
  • You develop tension throughout the body, experienced as “body armor” in adulthood.
  • You emotionally detach from your caretaker, experienced in adulthood as being shut down, spaced out, or feeling numb.
  • Feeling abandoned or rejected by the parent’s inadequate care, you develop a feeling of worthlessness or defectiveness, which persists into adulthood.
  • You lack basic trust, making it difficult to form solid relationships in adulthood.

• Defenses developed before ages 4-5
  • You learn to sense others’ emotions and needs so you can please them, get them to like you. “People pleasing” in adults leads to exhaustion. 
  • You develop black and white thinking — seeing things as “all good” or “all bad,” unable to tolerate ambiguity or see shades of gray.
  • You try not to be seen. 
  • You become a perfectionist, thinking you can stave off trouble and boost your self-esteem by being exceptional and staying ahead of the competition. 

• Defenses developed during middle- and late-childhood
  • Other kids bully and humiliate you. You develop the same critical, shaming voice toward yourself. You may begin to hate yourself. You think that if you can find all the flaws in yourself first, you can fix or hide them. The bullies won’t have as much ammunition.
  • You want to be liked so you conform to your peers and never really know who you are or what you like. 
  • You develop persistent anxiety and may develop compulsive or obsessive behaviors.

• Defenses developed during adolescence
  • You become socially phobic. 
  • You doubt yourself and believe others are better or smarter than you.
  • You become extremely self- critical, developing brutal negative self-talk.
  • You engage in self-harm. 
  • You develop addictions.
  • You think about and perhaps attempt suicide.

Individual therapy for resolving trauma will:

• Help you heal your emotional wounds
• Teach you to work with your childhood protectors
• Transform unhealthy coping strategies into healthy ones

As you recover, you may notice:

• Your anxiety and depression lessen
• Your life begins to feel real again
• You no longer need to be in control
• You now trust and honor your feelings and perceptions
• Your feelings flow through you, without judgment
• You develop compassion for yourself